I had a plan for life. Then I came to India.
I don’t know what might happen tomorrow. Maybe I will wake up with a will to live just like it was yesterday, or the day before. I have a plan. I have a to-do list. But I don’t know if I will follow it to the dot. After all, what do they say about god laughing at our plans? I should have known this by now.
What’s your plan? How do you see yourself in the next 5 years? In the next 10 years? How effective are you?
These questions were me. My organizer which I carried with me everywhere included all the possible lists there were: list for today, list for tomorrow, for the next week, for the following year, a list of books I want to read, a bucket list, – you name it, I had it.
I loved my lists. I took special care of them. I went back over them again and again. I lost my patience over them as it happens with every Manifesting Generator, and I cancelled all my lists just in order to start them all over again. Many tasks were crossed out on their own. I was proud of myself. I had a plan.
And then I came to India.
This time I also planned it all, at least, in my head. Each of us has their own stereotype about placeS, and I had my own about India and life by the seaside. Little did I know about the country I was going to.
I was dancing Indian dance in the childhood and because of that I won a children’s beauty pageant. I also remember when my dance teacher took me home for a photoshoot and I saw Bhaghavat Gita on the shelf for the first time. I had no idea what it was, but I was looking at it with such trepidation and to a 7 year old me it felt that if I had this book, I’d be the happiest girl alive.
Dream Upside Down
This is what I imagined my life would look like in India: every morning I would be waking up early morning along with Goan local birds or monkeys which coexisted happily on the roof of my tropical imaginary villa. I would be drinking freshly squeezed juice, and go to the beach to do yoga on the sand whole the wind gently caressed my hair. And it’s not like I am a yogi or something, not at all. However, in my fantasies this is what I saw.
After yoga I would swim alongside the dolphins, or friends, talk with neighbors from all over the world about meditation, soul, meaning of life and such, then I would write an additional chapter of my book while watching the sunset and contemplating life, meditating in the lotus pose.
You get the picture. Everything was supposed to be like in a heaven for one specific individual.
My cliché-reality came upside down. All the things that were supposed to be in my imaginary haven were there – the monkeys, the birds, yoga, sea, juice and new friends, and conversations about high matters, and the book writing, and contemplation. However, it was all in a different sequence and different context.
First two weeks I was crying daily wanting to go home. Along with tropical birds coexisted tropical (i.e huge) cockroaches, lizards, mosquitoes and all sorts of crawling and jumping creatures. Yes, the wind gently caressed my hair, but it also caressed (not so gently) the Arabian sea which made the swimming quite unpleasant. Yoga on the beach sounded romantic only in imagination and in reality it ended up being really uncomfortable. At the end I had to admit that I use yoga more as an exercise than a discipline and lifestyle which didn’t suit me for many reasons.
New friends appeared and disappeared as it often happens in the travelers’ society. And I started writing my book only to realize that I wasn’t ready for it. Only after 4 years of living between India and Russia I would write my first book “Design of a Cloudless Life” and launch a contract with the biggest Russian publisher.
There is one thing that never let me down. I meditated. A lot. Every day. Different ways. Pretty soon I realized that it takes courage to continue doing that as well since as you raise your awareness with the help of meditation techniques, different thing resurface in your life and you have to deal with it. This realization became a starting point for many things in my life.
All this time my organizer, my favorite moleskin was lying next to me without any movement, and nobody was writing anything into it. She (yes, it was a she) felt hurt and lonely. All of a sudden she became a burden to me. It was worrisome to be with her, it was uncomfortable. I didn’t need to wake up every morning in order to fulfill some aims. And as the time went by, the aims also started to change. I didn’t need to hurry for any meetings, lessons, and make it on time. I didn’t even need to know what time it was unless it was for making it on time for the sunset!
Friday or Monday – it didn’t matter in India at all. I left my job in Moscow and came to India to rejuvenate, and I did rejuvenate for sure. However, I didn’t expect that rejuvenation would be so… unplanned. I had a plan, remember? My life stopped all of a sudden. And it happened not because I had nothing to do. In fact, I had loads of things to do! But those things were not a part of my plan, they appeared spontaneously, and I didn’t know how it was to be without a plan. It was just recently that I lived in the USA where planning life in the next 5 to 20 years was a norm.
I was not ready for a life when I had so much free time, when I didn’t have to do anything or I could do something different from what I was used to doing. In reality there was no space for a phrase “doing nothing” in my manifesting-generator’s vocabulary. While being a Fulbright student in the USA where I got my masters in journalism, I learned to be super-effective doing several things at a time: I could paint my nails while watching a movie, or talk on the phone while trying to find a subject for my midterm paper, do laundry while working on a weekly column for the local American newspaper. Multitasking was my slogan for many years, and I thought that in the modern society that’s how it should be.
I was wrong.
I was fighting this for some time because I didn’t know that I was wrong. And as it always happens with fighting, it didn’t help. After some time I surrendered. Life in India expanded my horizon making me look at my life from a different angle. I was uncomfortable, and I had to accept it. So did I.
Yes, I was quite uncomfortable in this role. However, little by little life started unfolding differently. I let the changes change me from the inside. Although now living my Design I understand that it’s not me who changed really. I just went back to my nature, to the person I was meant to be.
What am I doing now?
As for plans…
It’s OK if there is no plan.
It’s OK if there is a plan but you didn’t follow it.
It’s OK if sometimes you need to change the plan.
It’s OK if this plan didn’t work out.
It’s OK. You are OK. I am OK. We are all OK.